Monique's Story
I was only 16 months old when I became a big sister for the first time - and that’s the role I played, and continue to play, although instead of being a big sister to my 5 siblings, I’m now the mother to 4 children, (and in the process of un-mothering my husband).
You see, I was a good girl - I excelled in school, sport and helping at home. I graduated from university top of my class, played netball in inter-university exchanges and was headhunted for a graduate job. But all I really wanted was a husband, and to be a mother.
I got my wish. We were engaged 2 months after exams, and married 3 months later. Six months later we conceived our first child. It was all I’d ever wanted - I thrived. After all, I’d been training and preparing for this my whole life!
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"I graduated my ‘good girl’ persona into ‘good mother’ and ‘good wife’"
Every day I made hearty porridge for breakfast, whipped up delicious healthy lunches, and served hot wholefood dinners every night for my hard-working husband. I cleaned, gardened, baked, shopped, organised play dates.
At one music dance class, I was talking to a childs grandmother, and expressing how I wanted a big
family, but that my husband wasn’t so keen, she leant forwards, and spoke these words softly to me
“make it look easy, hun, make it easy for your husband and he’ll agree to more”. These words
stuck with me, and confirmed all the things I was already doing, making it look easy to those around
me.
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I desperately wanted another baby, and as soon as my cycle arrived (we had to go to the doctors because my cycle did not arrive, which I now know was postpartum hypothyroidism, from the pressure of keeping it all “good”) eventually we were blessed with another pregnancy.
I glowed throughout, and achieved my dream hypno birth. The day after the birth I was down at the cowshed - toddler in tow, newborn on my chest talking about farming. I put even more effort into being a ‘good wife’. A ‘good mother’. I kept the cake tins full, took my children to Playcentre, used cloth nappies, supplied heuristic wooden open-ended toys and attended infant classes (even on the days I didn’t really want to).
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I was thrown into motherhood - like never before. Drenched in toddler taming and newborn
nappies, mountains of washing, still cooking three meals a day for a husband who worked 7 days a
week on the farm. Juggling the daily challenge of bathing the kids, keeping the meal cooking and
laying the table for dinner. Dinner I never got to sit down and eat with my husband. He would sit and
eat while I was constantly up and down resettling the toddler and feeding our newborn to sleep.
I was exhausted! Must be more energetic.
Maybe if I just ate healthier, drank more green smoothies, and meditated I’d have more energy. I went on a ‘clean’ eating diet. The smoothies made me gag, but I forced them down - I was determined to be the fit, thin, energetic young wife. Good girl, good mother, good wife.
I tried to join the 5am club. I thought I’d be more energised and happier for the rest of the day. But in
reality, every time I got out of the bed - my baby, who slept beside me, woke up too. I realised that my sleep was important, but also the sleep of my baby. I was listening to advice from those who were not in the early years of motherhood. The 5am club was not what I needed at that time.
Steeped in conditioning from my childhood - where women take care of the family and keep house and never complain, and men take care of the farm - I had no way of setting boundaries. I had nothing to show for my gruelling, exhausting, busy days - the house was in the same state at the end of each day when my husband came home that it was in the morning. The children were in bed - I had no proof of the physical and emotional toll that my day had been.
I had no spare energy to exercise. I had no hobbies. I remember thinking - what would I even do if I
had an afternoon off? I didn't know. And then we conceived our third baby. I don’t even know how my body was in a state to conceive a baby - or how I had the energy to make love.
I birthed our son at home, and so now I was a mother to 3 in 3 years. With no support. Three hours away from my parents, and our closest town an hour’s drive away. I look back on photos from that time and see a girl who’s too thin, gaunt, her holey clothes hanging off her.
QUOTE -
And then I read a book that blew my mind and completely changed my life!
For the first time, it dawned on me! Women are wired differently to men. Not only physically, but hormonally. I had been expecting myself to perform like a man - the same every day, on a 24 hour cycle!! Get up and do it all again, day after day, after exhausting day!
But we function on a 28 day cycle!
Now that I knew my hormones were the reason I had varying energy levels, finally I had
permission to have low energy, I had permission to rest!!
I immediately brought multiple copies of the book and gave them to the nearest and dearest women
in my life. I highlighted passages! I gave it to my husband to read - so he knew too.
I knew that this was it - this knowledge was what I wanted to share with women!
I studied with the best menstrual coaches, read everything I could, and I fell pregnant with my 4th
baby. I learned all about the menstrual cycle (which is more than just hormones) and also discovered
that pregnancy has a cycle all of its own, with phases similar to those in the menstrual cycle - but
longer and more intense.
I learned that we all have 4 different versions of ourselves inside us. You might see them being referred to as seasons, but I call them:
❄️ The Crone. 🌱 The Maiden. 🌞 The Mother. 🍁 The Wild Wise Woman
We are all of these Women. Each one takes a turn being the leader - depending where in our cycle we are.
So now - instead of trying to be ALL of myself ALL the time - I’m aware of what my hormone levels are doing, and where I am in the 28 day cycle that women run on, and I let myself run my week accordingly.
I can still have days where I bake a batch of muffins, whip up a cake, do 3 loads of washing, play a game with the kids and prepare dinner - all before lunchtime! I just do it on the weeks I have the energy.
And other times I snuggle in bed, meditate, stay home, watch movies, turn down invitations, and rest.
And - here’s the kicker - I’m still good enough wife, and a good enough mother!
Better in fact, because I’m at peace with that andI accept myself and respect and embrace the cyclic
nature of my energy levels. It’s simple biology.
How my life has changed:
- Now I know that there’s a time for everything in my cycle - I know when to spring clean, when to make videos, when to take time off social media, when to book events and organise adventures. And when not to.
- I know that when these things fall outside of my ‘ideal’ time, I can still do them - the difference is that I now know I don’t always have to be the ‘energetic’ one. I know how to embrace/embody/honour the energy I feel each day.
- I now know, when I feel like baking - to embrace that - to involve the kids. I also know to freeze half of it, because soon I won’t want to bake, I’ll only want to snack.
- I know that there is a time for takeaways or frozen meals to be on the dinner table. I know that by accepting this, I’m able to be more present and happier as a mum. A good enough mum. A good enough wife.
- I know that the best time to do online shopping is when my inner mother energy is present.
And I want you to know this too - and how to apply it in your life.
I want you to give yourself permission
Permission to rest, permission to be silly and goofy, permission to withdraw and be introspective. And permission to create boundaries around yourself that incorporate your cyclic energy.
I don’t want you to look back at these years and see a girl who’s too thin, gaunt, exhausted, like I did. I
want you to look back at the years of your young family and feel proud that you created boundaries,
that you knew yourself and embraced all 4 versions of yourself.
This journey has led me to my purpose...
To help busy Mums know the ebb and flow of their hormones, so they can better understand their emotions and create more ease in their lives.
To help busy Mums tune in to their cycle so they can understand it, notice the patterns and eventually love it. I give Mums permission to let go of being the ‘good’ girls/mothers/wives all the time, to be fully themselves all cycle long.
To break the bias of the ‘good mother’ by encouraging busy Mums to tunein to their cycle and embrace all 4 versions of themselves, not just the good shiny version. Join the movement of Mums modelling the way to loving their cycles, so we can break the bias of the good girl persona in our daughters!
